As much as I try to focus on my artwork, which these days is a lot more than it has been in years I still have bouts of emotional breakdowns of loneliness. Some friends have asked me about why I continue to stay away from Canada where my family and friends are -- I really don’t have an answer, but I don’t think being in Canada is any different.

My feelings are also fuelled by the constant difficulties that I have both at home and at work. I don’t fit in at work, one because I don’t speak the language and two, which is the biggest reason, Koreans will always see non-Koreans as a foreigner even if I was born and raised here. Sometimes this is an advantage as I get away with many things, but it also puts me in a position where I cannot advance, as I will always be the English teacher teaching the same materials year after year without any further responsibilities.

At home some of you may already know that I live with a Korean friend, but that’s not working out too well, not only do we have personality conflicts but cultural too, I guess you may be asking, “Like what?” Well I remember one night when some friends were staying over I was preparing the spare room for one girl to sleep in as another friend (a guy) was going to sleep on the sofa, but everyone was shocked as it was naturally presumed that she would with sleep in my room with me, or with my roommate. This caused a chaotic moment until they told me to go to bed as they will sort it out. That’s no big deal, but the chaos it created was silly.

My roommate’s English is not a problem however we have some serious communication issues which always ends terribly and it’s not getting better.

My loneliness also comes from other aspects too I was just reading about loneliness. which mentioned some reasons why a person would possibly feel lonely, this is what they said.

- you're alone and you don't feel you have a choice not to be;
- you feel that you're lacking attachments you had in the past;
- you are facing changes in your life--a new school, town, job, or other changes;
- you feel there's no one in your life with whom you can share your feelings and experiences;
- your self-perceptions are that you're unacceptable, unlovable, not worthwhile even if others don't share those perceptions.

Well I feel all of the above. I am trying hard to think positive, but it’s hard, I realize that I am becoming a needy person, a person who wants to have people around. Another thing (the selfishness in me) is my roommate is dating and is always around her boyfriend as much as possible, I am happy for them but it also fuels my loneliness as I haven’t had luck in meeting guys, as I have chosen to live in a country that has some crazy narrow minded views on interracial dating.

Many of you ask, “Why stay?” I don’t know an easy answer to that question but I will try to answer it through some future posts. Until then, I need to get some sleep and have some sweet dreams, luckily these days my creative engery is back and I wake up with many ideas.

Sweet dreams y'all ;)


Mandy said...

I look forward to reading your thoughts about why you are there. As one of the people who can't help asking you those questions (I know you're sick of it)... well, I don't wonder so much about "why not Canada" any more, I wonder more about "why Korea?" But of course I don't need to understand; you're the only one who does.
In any case, I'm very sorry to hear that you have been so unhappy lately, that things aren't any better. I'm glad to hear that your artwork is going well, though. That must be satisfying. :)

Anonymous said...

i'm so sad to read that sharon :o( i know what you mean about always feeling like an outsider. i totally feel that here. and i agree with what you say, sometimes it offers advantages, but most of the time people ask the same dumb questions; where am i from?, do i like bolivia? and then have the same dumb prejudices; she must be rich etc. and no matter how hard i try to explain myself (well i've basically stopped trying) they either don't understand me or don't believe me. arg!

it's easy to get along with people, but difficult to really connect on a deep level.

i remember how we talked about this before, how the longer you stay, the more subtle differences you become aware of.

but i also have my doubts about going home. what is with us??? for me it the part where it's just toooooo comfortable in canada.

anyways, i hope you know that i think you're one of the sweetest, most fun people i know and definatly one of the most emotionally honest. i'm so glad we're friends and wish we lived just a bit closer, so i could come over for a visit. take care, and that's an order! love amanda